Death Eater Interviews
by poisonruby
Summary: Lord Voldemort is recruiting new Death Eaters, but it's proving harder than he expected. Watch me make fun of the most ebil and menacing characters! WARNING: Contains an unhealthily large amount of eyebrow references.
1. Crap

**Disclaimer: **This is merely a humorous, non-profit little snippet, which uses the lovely characters provided by the genius of Jay Kay Arr. (If I get any comments saying that JKR wrote Harry Potter, not "Jay Kay Arr" I will scream and curse innocent bystanders into oblivion.)

DEATH EATER INTERVIEWS

Chapter 1:** Crap**

X-**x**-X

Lord Voldemort sat at his desk, the tips of his fingers pressed together. Perched on top of his head was a top hat, because recently dear ol' Voldie has been feeling mildly insecure about his hair. (Or lack thereof)

Stranding at his side was none other than Draco Malfoy, clutching a _very_ long piece of parchment, and looking slightly harassed. There were several reasons for that – including the fact that he lost kudos for _'chickening out'_, as a certain insecure Dark Lord has put it, at the end of a very important mission. The main reason for Master Malfoy's less than sweet disposition, however, was the fact that the same insecure Dark Lord had recently shaven off his lovely blonde hair, causing him to lose kudos not only as a Death Eater, but also among fangirls.

He sighed at the thought, and sadly ran his fingers over his bold scalp.

"So, have you got the list, Malfoy?" The Dark Lord formerly known as Tommy inquired.

"Evidently, my lord," Draco replied. He did indeed have the list of applicants for the Death Eater position, and it was the time for the interviews. Poor Draco, who was also suffering from pangs of insecurity these days, was not very happy of being the Dark Lord's assistant for today. And so he sighed again.

"So, who do we have first?"

Draco looked down at the names on the list for the first time, and he did not like what he saw. He sighed yet again.

"Have you gone deaf, boy? Who is the first applicant?" Volders barked, sounding more like Vernon Dursley than his usual high-pitched self.

"Crap, my lord." Came the reply of his assistant. Draco actually smirked now, forgetting that after his character development in the 6th year at Hogwarts, a sigh would have been a more appropriate trademark gesture.

"I beg your pardon?" The Dark Lord went for a more posh response this time, hoping that his Vernon Dursley impersonation will be forgotten. (Little did he know.)

He would have raised an eyebrow as well, but that brought him back his lack-of-hair issues. Seeing as he was naturally bold, he also lacked eyebrows, and the thought was painful. He suddenly remembered that he forgot to shave off Draco's eyebrows, and mentally slapped himself for it.

"It says 'Crap' here. As the first name on the list, you know." Draco responded with a sigh, still smirking inwardly. It's hard to get a habit like that out of one's system, you know.

"And so we have an applicant named Crap. Happens to the best of us, I guess. Might be from a pureblood family from some distant country, where the word has a more decent meaning..." The Dark Lord pondered. "If we accept this one, we'd have to arrange a change of name to something more...ah, respectable and possibly menacing. Shall we let him in?"

Draco coughed at this, but then remembered that it would be unwise to add any more trademark gestures at this point, seeing as he was already having trouble controlling the smirks and the sighs, so he quickly covered up the cough with another sigh.

Lord Voldie-Poo, as some of the braver Death Eaters recently started referring to him, gave Draco Malfoy a quizzical look, and pressed the magical button on his desk, opening the door for the first applicant. The significance of the button will be expanded upon in a situation where there is no suspense regarding the mysterious new character. Well, as mysterious as a character can be, having been dubbed 'Crap'.

"Eh...hullo," The newcomer muttered in a low voice, adding a bit to that weak sense of mystery.

**The** weak sense of mystery which was instantly dissolved by Draco Malfoy's cry of "Crabbe!", for this bulky stranger wrapped in a green cloak with purple polka dots was none other than his former schoolmate.

Draco would have even sung the chorus of "It's a Small World After All", if not for the concerns of having to stay in character. Which really is a pity, considering that he is an excellent singer. This has been confirmed by Moaning Myrtle, who numerous times had joined him in a duet in the boys bathroom on the seventh floor. Draco often looks back on those incidents and mutters "Good times, good times" under his breath, adding a few heavy sighs.

"Crabbe?" The Dark Lord asked, involuntarily raising the bit of skin where an eyebrow ought to be, and mentally slapping himself again. After all, sadistic people often resort to masochistic tendencies, if only internally. "You mean Crabbe junior? His father is in prison now."

Vincent Crabbe grunted, wrapping his vivid cloak more tightly around himself. He looked confused, or perhaps dense. _He_ didn't get any character development, other than the discovery of his displeasure at being asked to transform into young girls. Which really isn't even promising character development, since it reduces the probability of him showing further interests in the following: drag, paedophilia, kinky experiments, sex changes, career in the Magical Co-operation Department at the Ministry of Magic.

_What a pity._

Moving on.

"Yeah," said Vincent Crabbe.

"Why did you apply under the non de plume of 'Crap'?" The Dark Lord wanted to know.

"He just can't spell, my lord." Draco Malfoy explained dully. He started yawning, but sighed instead.

"So... Why are you seeking to fill the position of Death Eater?" Lord Voldemort asked the well rehearsed question. He practiced it in front of the mirror every morning for the two weeks after he scheduled the interviews.

"Uh... Coz my dad did it, and Malfoy is a Death Eater, and yeah..."

Tommy wasn't exactly pleased with this reply, but he did find it adequate.

"And are you prepared to offer your undying loyalty and a lifetime of servitude to the Dark Lord?" He continued. Somehow the phrase sounded more smoothly menacing during his practice sessions.

"...Who?" Asked Vincent Crabbe.

"Scribble him down as a reserve, Malfoy." The Dark Lord said, waving his hand airily at poor bald Draco, who complied without saying a word. He merely sighed, the most recent fangirl incident replying in his mind.

_"Oh, Drakie!" The curvy redhead squealed in her usual delighted tone as she tackled him during his early morning jog around the Death Eater Headquarters. Since the Dark Lord banned him from going on broom rides for some twisted reason of his jealous mind, he was reduced to jogging to keep in shape._

_He found himself pinned to the hard and pointy sidewalk, with a familiar bunch of red curls in his face. This one was one of the oldest, hardcore fangirls. She used to sleep in a tree outside his window at the Malfoy Manor when he was younger._

_But now her big, crazed, worship-filled eyes slowly lost their insanity. She looked down at him, sense dominating her features._

_"Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Her voice was neither huskily seductive nor even high-pitched. She got up and left._

_Ah, the pain! It burnt poor Draco and his ego; it almost reduced him to tears._

"Did you not hear what I just said, Malfoy?" Tommy snarled. He sounded a bit happy though. Draco beat him in having eyebrows, but he was partially deaf, which made the Dark Lord superior over him in the hearing department.

He assured himself that the ability to hear is more important than the ability to raise eyebrows. _Real_, hairy eyebrows.

"Potter has nice eyebrows" he noted. And then he realised that he said it out loud.

And then Malfoy **did it**. The worst thing he could possibly do to offend his master. The greatest sin possible at that very instance. He slowly, tasting the retaliation, raised one sleek, blond eyebrow.

The Dark Lord screamed. He was never in a more personally challenging and dangerous situation. In fact, he could only think of one way to fix the problem.

"_Obliviate_!" he squeaked out, pointing his wand at poor bald Draco, who didn't even have time to sigh. He was hit squarely in the bald head by the silver ray of light, which took away his memory and his sanity.

So Draco smirked, because he had the right to, now that he forgot all about the character development.

X-**x**-X

**Author's Notes**: My first attempt at a story here. I wrote this at school, being bored out of my mind in Graphics. Anyways, there _might_ be more chapters, if people like it and I feel like writing more.

Hello to my fellow crazy fangirls from Quizilla Forums -glomps-

All my love to Sevvy. He'll get a big part in this if I write more.

Some reviews would be nice. More than nice.


	2. I'd Sell My Soul for Snape's Eyebrows

**Disclaimer: **I do feel sorry for JK Rowling and her characters, considering what they have to endure in this non-profit humorous fanfic.

DEATH EATER INTERVIEWS

Chapter 2:** I'd Sell My Soul for Snape's Eyebrows**

X-**x**-X

Severus Snape was very unhappy that neither his first name nor his last name was recognised by the spell check on Microsoft Word. But that fact is irrelevant to the plot, and will therefore be left to ponder upon on a rainy day, when Severus might decide to owl the makers of that damn Muggle program and complain.

It has been established that ex-Professor Snape is **not** a coward. He is not afraid of death, Death Eaters, their boss Volders, Barbie, Harry Potter's socks, the bubonic plague, spiders, heights, peanut butter, long words, Dementors, George W. Bush, or even Neville Longbottom's Grandmother – although he didn't like to think of her, due to the little incident with a Boggart.

The point is, Severus was not easily scared. However, at this point in time, he was, if not scared, then at least mildly concerned.

Concerned for his own safety, the sanity of the Dark Lord, and the fate of the Wizarding community.

After all, if the Dark Lord was looking like _that_, at, for example, Harry Potter, the boy would have been scampering away as fast as his scrawny limbs would carry him, only to collapse and have yet another nightmare.

"Is there something on my face, your Lordship?" Severus asked tactfully. Voldemort was even paler than usual, and staring at his face with an unnatural gleam in his eyes. He strained to answer, but merely looked as though he was about to explode. Or implode. Or both.

Severus decided that he could risk using Legilimency to see into the Dark Lord's mind now, considering that the situation was, after all, concerning. Almost frightening.

_His nose! Oh, Salazar, look at his nose! It's so divinely utterly perfect... The crooked curve, the length, everything! It's beautiful... The exact nose a Dark Overlord ought to have, menacing and **just** the nose for a purely evil character... _

Perhaps Severus Snape would have been safer having not invaded into the demented privacy of Voldie's mind. He nervously touched his nose.

_And the hair! So dark and swishy and **real**... How it frames his face, and makes a genuinely, endearingly, ominous combination with the nose. WHY? Why could I not have such delectable evil features? But Salazar, his EYEBROWS! I WANT THEM! They are dark, and curving up just at the right angle, and he can furrow them, and raise a sceptical brow and **everything**... _

By now Severus had to admit that he indeed was scared. He comforted himself that it would have been foolish not to be scared, in these circumstances.

_I'D SELL MY SOUL FOR SNAPE'S EYEBROWS! Wait, I have no proper soul. Ah, the misery, the utterly unendurable misery of being Tom Marvolo Riddle!_

That was the point when Severus finally ended the _Legilimens_ spell, and looked around anxiously. He spotted a manically smirking Draco Malfoy in the corner, completely oblivious to his surroundings.

"Aha! So this is the reason I have been called upon." He muttered under his breath. "Obvious memory loss, but it might be reversible. You'd need a goblet of my Memory Restoration Draught, and maybe some rest. Follow me, Draco."

When Master Malfoy did not comply, Severus took his shoulder and steered him out of the room. He sighed sadly, but continued smirking.

Once the distraction of the perfectly ominous character, at least in appearance, has been removed from the Dark Lord's sight, he more or less came to his senses. He remembered that he was supposed to be conducting Death Eater interviews, and leaned over to pick up the list of applicants.

"Peter Pettigrew" He read. "But he's _already_ a Death Eater! That idiot... "

Volders pressed that same magical button, which resulted in the door opening to reveal a dishevelled Peter standing in the frame.

"My lord," He squeaked, as he bowed. Voldemort liked Peter. His hair was quite ugly and flimsy, his nose was small and squashed in, and his eyebrows so pale that you could hardly see them anyway. So there were no reasons to be jealous of him whatsoever. The only problem he had with Pettigrew was his stupidity.

"What are you doing here?" He asked in the perfected evil high-pitched voice that made the hair on most people's necks prickle...Although the Dark Lord did not exactly approve of that metaphor. He liked talking menacingly to Peter nonetheless, because Peter was so easy to scare.

"Re-applying as Death Eater, my lord. I do hope that after my years of servitude you will re-hire me. I beg of you, I have nowhere else to go..." He muttered, avoiding Tommy's eyes.

Lord V. meanwhile decided that this would be a good time to practise his "angry" persona. He always had trouble with that one, reducing to either girlish squeals or Vernon Dursley-ish roars.

"You imbecile, Wormtail. You already are a Death Eater. How _dare_ you interrupt my already tedious work with your ridiculous interruptions!" And then he realised he said 'interrupt' twice, and had to resort to mentally slapping himself again. It hurt.

"I though...I just though...I'm sorry, my lord!" Peter slumped into a pile on the ground, looking up at the Dark Lord with fear in his bulging pale eyes.

Glad that his misuse of the word 'interrupt' came unnoticed, Volders continued the drama.

"Although you _were_ in my employ until now, perhaps I should fire you now, for such dumbness." He continued in a high-pitched whisper.

_Oh, I'm getting better!_ He thought to himself. _Quiet anger. Very Snape-ish, if I do say so myself. Hang on! Since when is Severus Snape my role model? _

"B-b-but, my lord... I know I am stupid, but you have stupider people in your employ. Like those Crabbe and Goyle fellows. I promise, I will buy myself some books and get better educated, just please, _pleeeease_ don't fire me!" Wormtail pleaded, much to the Dark Lord's delight.

"When we decide, we shall notify you." He said, going for a Queen Victoria-style response this time, as he pointed a whimpering Wormtail out of the room.

_Whoa. I really am getting better at this. Not a single girlish shriek, just pure smooth menace. Salazar would have been proud of me. If only I had hair...and eyebrows..._

Forgetting he was not Draco Malfoy, he sighed sadly. The Dark Overlord did feel quite sorry for himself, and for good reasons. How would _you_ feel if you had no eyebrows?

He looked down at the list again, wondering who was next.

"**PureBlood4eva**" he read. "What kind of name is that anyway?"

The Dark Lord stared down at the parchment in confusion, but then noticed a subscript: _online applicant. _He didn't quite understand what that meant, but pulled out his wand and gripped it tightly, just in case. He wondered what kind of line this applicant was on.

"PureBlood4eva... That's like... Pure Blood Forever!" He mused. He wished he had Draco back, to aid in the confusion and add to his sense of superiority regarding his perfect hearing skills. Although Draco had eyebrows, so that wasn't necessarily a bonus.

Finally he pressed the magical button, waited for the door to open, and looked up to see who **PureBlood4eva** was.

And then he turned a delicate shade of purple, due to mixed emotions that were running through his head.

**Emotion one**: Surprise at the general stupidly levels of the Wizarding community. Lucius Malfoy was _already_ a Death Eater.

**Emotion two**: Insane jealousy due to the fact that Lucius Malfoy had hair AND eyebrows AND an adequate nose AND could probably still hear well.

**Emotion three**: Confusion as to why Lucius Malfoy is not in Azkaban as he ought to be.

**Emotion four**: Anger at Lucius Malfoy for previous events, such as messing up prophecy plans and landing in prison in the first place.

**Emotion five**: Interest in _how_ Lucius Malfoy actually managed to escape.

**Emotion six**: Desire to practice the "angry" persona some more.

So you see, Tommy was a very deep and complicated person on the inside, yet it is possible to analyse him and make predictions as to how he is going to act next.

Place your bets, ladies and gentlemen, on the future development of events.

Will Voldie cut off Lucius Malfoy's hair and make a wig out of it, or will he get angry enough to kick him out of the clan? Will he perhaps throw a tantrum and completely lose the plot?

X-**x**-X

**Author's Notes**: So I actually wrote part 2. 'twas quite fun to write.

Please review with thoughts, suggestions, opinions, criticism, etc.


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